August is over. And if I’m to sing my mind out, the rhythm will only lead you to a metronome of same old tunes. The only reason why my gears are still running is the indomitable fact that the light at the end of the tunnel is as closer as it gets. I don’t think I can tell anything more than this, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m enjoying whatever life hurls at me. I may not liking what the universe is conspiring at this moment but I believe that someday the tables will turn in my favor. I decided to stop my woes once and for all because this doesn’t help me focus on my real agenda— to discover who I am and who I’m gonna be. I still feel like a big puzzle searching for its missing puzzle pieces. Everything still doesn’t fit in, and as the calendar page moves, the void keeps getting bigger and bigger. But I won’t waive, because if there’s one thing I learned over this week, it’s the fact that if you keep stitching the threads, He will give you the picture you ought to see.
Over the past few months, maybe even years, I keep telling myself that I may be as well be called a fraud for fooling myself. It never really crossed to me that doing something you don’t really want to do at first place can be a lethal poison to your guts. My past choices have changed me because of the haunting idea of mistakes and its yield, and those self-conjured ideas got the best of me. I lived almost every day of my teenage live believing that everything will come back to the way it was, but what never occurred to me is that the earth rotates on its axis and revolves around the sun; that the continents move a few inches every year; that plants blossom and wither to and fro; that everyday is a shifting progress; that there are things that will never work the same once the seal has been tampered. We cannot live in the past and I’ve been living in it without realizing it. I feel despondent for squandering all those times that could’ve been put to good use, but as I’ve said— no more woes.
I made a lot of self-contemplation over the weekend, thanks to our class retreat. It was a cool experience and paved way for a good space of self-cogitation. Oftentimes, I assessed and reassessed myself back and forth hoping to find out the fallacies within me. I have yet to search for the others but the trip was enough to make me feel less tension against all the swirls of my life. I won’t stick anymore details but rest assured I’m much okay than I was before.
**Approximately three (3) more hours before September, and I hope we all wake up to a good start. Plus, we cannot also factor out the fact that tomorrow’s going to be a Monday so it’s a perfect opportunity to start a new chapter. Cheers!
I don’t know how I did it or how it happened, but tomorrow, I’m gonna be on my final semester as a college student. Wow. Fucking wow. My 2011-self would be shocked if he finds out that I actually made it until the end of this roller coaster hell of a ride. So many things have happened and I have to admit that most of them are pretty stormy, and I sure do not want to recall those blood-curdling moments. But what really scares me the most right now is the future.
This summer, I’ve done some thinking about my “controversial” choices in the past and how it made a defining dent to my current situation. What I know now is, I’m gonna confront my mistakes and make sure that it will all stop at a certain point. I don’t want to create a trough nor a hollow on my journey towards my goal. I have so many plans that I have to accomplish and I’ve had enough of all these diversions. Instead, I’m gonna bring my best this semester; since it’s the last one so I think that’s the greatest excuse to be motivated; since we all are “save-the-best-for-last” warriors. I know for the fact that this whole “college” thing is the worst decision I’ve ever made so far (and I’m definitely not up to defeat that benchmark ever), so I’ll just make it a point that if I did make an excellent job on this last straw of stress, then I can finally do whatever the hell I want and pursue what really floats my boat. I’d be a zombie if they want me to, just get me out of here afterwards.
I hate college. I passionately hate college. And that’s saying a lot coming from me, because I’ve been labeling myself a philomath. I love learning, generally. But the kind of thing I’m learning in school right now is beyond appalling and up until now I still cannot fucking believe I signed up for this shit a few years back. Piece of advice: College is a serious matter. Don’t rush your actions and don’t get caught up in the spur of the moment that you’re finally going out of that freak jungle called high school. Think a million times, ‘cause your choice will DEFINE your future. You don’t want some shoulda-woulda-coulda-woulda questions in your head right before you go to sleep. Seriously. You’ll bleed yourself.